Damn Alien – a Crackfic
by CherBella
Summary: This was my O/S for the Haiti compilation. Bella and Edward have been married now for 15 years, when Edward suddenly becomes a "widower" to Bella's obsession with some popular aliens.


_**A/N: Everything I've been reading and writing lately seems to be serious/dramatic/angsty so it was time for some fun and fluff! **_

_**This was the fic I donated to the Haiti relief compilation that mskathy put together. I am posting it today for Fandom Thank You to the readers day. I think readers and writers and Twihards alike might especially enjoy this one... :)**_

* * *

Edward licked and nibbled up and down the creamy expanse of his wife's throat and down across her shoulder as he plunged himself into her warm, wet heat. He growled her name as he fought for control over his ferocious urges. He never got tired of the feeling of being with her, being inside her. They fit together so perfectly.

He let out another growl. He felt the fire within his cold, dead body start to build and he couldn't hold back any longer. He started moving within her, fighting to keep his movements slow and steady, always trying to make sure Bella was taken care of.

He closed his eyes and bowed his head, his hands clutching the sheets on either side of his beloved.

"Bella, ungh…Bella! Darling…ugh!"

Bella opened her eyes.

"Hmm? Oh… oh yes…" she jerked her hips upward a few times, and raised her voice a little more. She kept her shield tight around her as her photographic memory chose the Meg Ryan scene from _When Harry met Sally_. "Oh…yes Edward!!" She thrashed around a little. "Yes, yes…ungh…YES, YES, YES!!"

Edward surged into her a few more times before roaring loudly as he let the beast inside of himself go.

"Bel-la!!! Ahhh…!" He leaned his forehead against Bella's shoulder as his body came down from its high. He kissed up and down her delicate cheek. Her head was turned in profile as she checked out the numbers on the bedside clock. As soon as Edward pulled out of her she pushed him off of her and was in the bathroom starting the shower. With her vampire speed and Edward still in a blissed-out state he didn't even realize she was gone.

"Hmmm… Bella…" he mumbled into the pillow. It had been fifteen years and the attraction between he and his wife was just as strong as the day they married. He loved how aroused he could make her, how she cried out his name. Although something seemed familiar about her reaction today…in fact, he realized, she was usually very similar in her vocalizations. He smiled in smug satisfaction. Clearly he was very consistent in knowing how to pleasure his wife.

_Edward! Get up! It's our first day, we don't want to be late! _Bella lifted her shield so that he could hear her thoughts. Edward groaned. He and his family were starting school again today in another new high school. The first day of school hadn't held any excitement for him for 90 years now. But this was Bella's first high school experience as a vampire and her first time back in school since they'd graduated from Forks High. With Bella being a newborn and having Reneesme to raise, they had decided to take some time off from the usual school routine for a while. It was wonderful being able to be there for every day of Reneesme's accelerated childhood. But she was grown and out of the house now, and so they decided this year they would join the rest of the family in heading back to school.

Bella emerged from the bathroom showered and dressed.

"Edward! Get in the shower! Let's go!"

He grumbled and got up out of bed.

"Bella, believe me there is no rush, we will still be waiting forever on Alice!"

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

The new school was like the hundreds of others they had attended over the years. But while the other human students tended to naturally stay away from the other Cullens, the opposite seemed to be true of Bella. They fully accepted Bella as "one of them." Perhaps it was because she was new to the life of a vampire and still remembered what it was like to be human that made her seem so human-like. Whatever the reason, several of the human students befriended Bella. Edward allowed her to hang out with them, watching her closely to make sure she wasn't "tempted" by being so close to human blood.

They were a few weeks into the school year when one day after school Bella sent Edward and the rest of the Cullens home while she stopped at the local bookstore. She came home shortly thereafter with a new book in her hand, not an unusual occurrence–Bella loved reading and was always buying new books.

Edward came upstairs after a few hours at his piano and found Bella alone in the study sitting cross-legged on the floor, nose buried in her latest purchase. He walked over and placed a gentle kiss on her head.

"Hello, my love…did you find something interesting?"

"Umm-hmm," was all she said, too engrossed to give him much more. Edward stood there for a few minutes and, when realizing she wasn't going to break away from the book, just chuckled and started out of the room. He glanced back one more time at his wife. He didn't recognize the book–the photo on the cover was of two hands clasping a green apple. Bella's hands were almost obscuring the title but it looked like it said _Quarter Moon._

Hours later Edward came looking for her again, hoping for a little "alone time" with his beloved. He found her in the same exact position, and still reading the same book.

"Bella?"

Her eyes never left the page, she just mumbled a response.

"Still reading, my pet?"

"Umm-humm."

He waited but there was no other response from her. "Well, ah, I'm heading upstairs to our room for the rest of the evening. I'll see you soon, darling?"

"Umm-hmm" – another mumbled response and a wave of her hand at him.

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

Edward was just coming out of the shower the next morning when Bella burst into the room, a misty look in her eye as she started opening drawers and grabbing clothes for the school day.

"Bella! There you are! Were you reading that book all night?"

"Um, yeah, sorry, but it totally grabbed me and I just couldn't put it down."

Edward was a little hurt that she had spent the entire night with a book and not with him, but obviously she had enjoyed herself so he set his feelings aside.

"It must have been quite a book. What was it about?"

Her eyes got all animated and she started talking fast, even for a vampire.

"Oh my gosh, it is this story about two kids in high school, Hortense and Harold. Hortense moves to town and this one boy, Harold–beautiful and perfect in every way–starts following her around. Although at first he is rude to her and she thinks he doesn't like her, but really he does and is so attracted to her that he doesn't know if he can control himself, and eventually she discovers that he is a special species of space alien that lives here on earth, and he and his family look so much like humans that most people don't realize they're not real humans. They can't go out in the sunshine because their skin turns green and glows and everyone will know they're different. They survive by probing humans and draining them of their "life force" but Harold and his alien family are vegetarian and try to exist on animals only. They struggle but have managed to control their need for humans so they can live among them, but Hortense–her life force calls to Harold so strongly he must really struggle with the overwhelming need to probe her and take her life force. He is so attracted to her because she is his 'yodeler,' his true mate. So anyway, they fall in love but before long some evil aliens come to town and one of them discovers Harold's family has a human with them and they want to kill Hortense and Harold's family tried to protect her but the evil alien gets to her anyway but then Harold and his family get to her just in time and they save her and kill the evil alien! And Harold and Hortense vow to be together forever, with Horense begging Harold to change her into an alien so she can be like him."

Luckily being a vampire, Bella didn't need to breathe because otherwise she would have passed out from no oxygen during that lengthy play-by-play.

Edward scratched his head and grimaced. "Hortense and Harold?"

"Yes," Bella sighed dreamily.

It sounded like absolute drivel to him but he held his tongue.

"How did you discover this book?"

"Oh the human girls at school have all been gushing about it so I picked it up to see what all the fuss was about." Bella then rushed into the shower as they were now running late for school.

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

That afternoon Bella again said she needed to stop by the bookstore on her way home.

And again Edward later found her in the study, this time with a stack of books beside her. Apparently the Harold and Hortense "Moon" saga extended to three more books–_New_ _Moon, Half-Moon _and_ Full Moon_–and for three days Bella did nothing but go to school and read these books. She barely spoke to Edward but he could see how intense and engrossed she was in the books so he let her be, just happy she was enjoying something.

After an entire night reading the second book, Bella came back to their room to change for school utterly sad and devastated. Jasper was immediately pummeled with her emotions as they were all getting in their cars to leave for school.

"Jesus Christ, Edward what is wrong with Bella?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "Apparently Harold left Hortense because his brother tried to kill her and then Harold almost killed himself by angering the Mothership." Jasper just gave him a look like he was nuts. Edward just shrugged his shoulders. Halfway to school Jasper finally couldn't take any more and made Edward pull over so he could get out of the car and away from Bella.

Thank God the next day, after finishing the third book, she seemed much happier.

"You're in a much better mood this morning, my love." He said when he saw her.

"Hortense agreed to a wedding with Harold!" she sighed.

Thankfully she only had one more book to go. Harold and Hortense were taking a toll on their sex life and Edward was feeling neglected. That morning he'd finally had to wank off in the shower because he was so hard from three days of no sex. He felt dirty and ashamed but his body was at its limit. For so many years he had not known the pleasure of sex, but since marrying Bella he was truly like the horny teenager that he probably should have been all these years of his existence, being frozen at seventeen. Now that the dam was broken, he couldn't get enough.

That night Edward himself gathered some books to read to amuse himself as he prepared for one last night alone while Bella finished her Harold and Hortense books.

Throughout the evening he could hear Bella in the study below him, grumbling and mumbling. At one point he actually heard her throw something against the wall and then pace around for a while. He was about to go down and see what was wrong, when it grew quiet again as Bella apparently settled back down with her book.

The next morning Edward was just coming out of the shower when Bella came in. He immediately went over and enveloped her in a hug and gave her a kiss on her pouty lips.

"Good morning my darling."

She sighed. "Good morning, Edward."

She didn't say anything else and started toward the closet.

"So how was your book dear, I heard you pacing last night."

"It was okay." She sounded exasperated. "It didn't turn out exactly how I thought, though it did have a happy ending." She walked into the bathroom.

Edward smiled, thrilled that she was finally done with those infernal books.

Suddenly she stalked back in the room. "I mean the author was ALL over the place! She completely skipped over Harold and Hortense's wedding night and THEN they have this demon half-human–half-alien baby that BURST out of her stomach! Like some bad B-list horror movie!! I mean REALLY! It was SO unbelievable!"

Then she turned on her heel and slammed the bathroom door behind her.

Edward just stared open-mouthed at her sudden little outburst. Geez, he'd never seen her so obsessed with something as fake as a fictional story. He shook his head, thankful again that she was done with this rubbish.

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

Edward was looking forward to finally going back to their regular routine of quiet evenings together, reading, listening to music, doing their homework and having sex…especially the having sex part. Bella, however, was still not herself. She seemed restless and bored. And he kept catching her re-reading the awful Hortense and Harold books.

Finally Edward had to say something.

"Bella, don't you want to read something different…what about Wuthering Heights or Pride and Prejudice? You love those!"

Bella rolled her eyes. "I've read those before, many times."

"Well you've read these books before too! In fact you JUST finished reading them, aren't you tired of them?"

Bella just shot him a murderous look and left the room.

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

A week later she was still mooning around with the books. Edward decided to try again.

"Bella, really darling…don't you want to do something else? Read some of your other books or go somewhere? I tell you what, we both need to hunt so why don't we make a day of it–do some hiking and running…spend some time alone together just the two of us?"

"I don't need to hunt, I went with Alice yesterday."

He let out an exasperated breath. "Alright, but please do something else besides staying inside all day reading! Please?"

She walked over to his desk and grabbed his laptop and climbed back on the bed and opened it up.

"Fine," she said as she shot him a look. "I'm going to do some research on the internet for my biology paper."

"Fine," he said, satisfied that at least that she would get her mind away from the Hortense-Harold crap. He leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead as he left. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

At the last minute Emmett decided to come along with him, and what could have been an hour or two hunting trip turned into six as they had to travel quite far so that Emmett could find some bears.

When Edward came back he headed straight upstairs to Bella. He was amazed at what he saw when he opened their bedroom door. There were lit candles placed around the room, and some DVDs strewn across the bed. Bella immediately came over to him and threw her arms around him.

"Welcome home my darling, how was your hunt?" She inhaled his scent. "Hmmm…you found some mountain lion didn't you?" Then her nose wrinkled in the cutest way as she leaned back. "And Emmett found a bear, hmm?"

He laughed. His Bella was back! "Yes, I didn't intend to be gone so long, but you know Emmett and his craving for bear. He wouldn't let us come home till he found one."

"Well I've got a hot shower running for you, and then I thought we could spend the evening together…alone." She smiled up at him. He picked her up and spun her around in his arms and placed a big kiss on her lips. Then he rushed into the shower.

They spent the evening cuddled up in bed and watching movies and reconnecting.

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

The next few days Edward noticed Bella using his laptop quite a bit.

"Are you still researching your biology paper, dear? Can I give you any help with it?"

Bella didn't look up from the screen she just mumbled a "nuh-huh."

A few minutes later her head snapped up. "Oh, darling, I was thinking that I would like to get my own laptop so that I wouldn't have to continually borrow yours. Would you go with me tomorrow and help me pick one out?"

"Well my love, you know what's mine is yours…but absolutely we can get you one of your own. We'll stop at a computer store tomorrow after school, how's that?"

She beamed. "Yes, that would be perfect!"

He was thrilled as well. He still didn't see why she needed her own laptop, but she so rarely wanted to spend money on herself that he was more than happy to give her whatever she wanted.

They stopped the next day and picked out the best available model. Bella was _so_ excited. As soon as they got home she took it out of the box and spent the rest of the evening setting it up and working on it. He noticed he didn't hear her fingers on the keyboard much, so he wasn't sure what she was doing on the laptop. A few times when he checked in on her she seemed to be reading something on the screen quite intently. He let her be, and didn't bother her. He was just happy that she was happy.

Soon though he noticed that she was constantly on the laptop. She spent all her time staring at that damned screen. He finally decided one night he was going to say something to her about it, but he ended up getting thoroughly distracted. He walked into their bedroom to find his wife waiting for him…naked, with only a sheet wrapped around her.

They made love so many times Edward lost count. Bella was insatiable and quite the aggressor. They tried all kinds of different positions, each one more amazing than the last. After the last time Edward collapsed on the bed. Thankfully Bella left the room because he didn't think he could physically go another round. He may have been a vampire but he was still a man and apparently still had the limits of a normal man. He lay there for hours with a stupid grin plastered on his face that didn't seem to want to go away.

He was still lying there when Bella walked back in holding her laptop.

"Bella, last night was…amazing." She leaned over him and dragged her fingertips lightly down his chest and gave him a kiss.

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

Bella continued to spend most of her free time in front of her laptop. When she wasn't on the computer she was with Edward–under Edward, on top of Edward, in front of Edward. One Saturday everyone had left the house–Rose, Alice and Esme went shopping, and Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper off on a hunting trip–and Edward was looking forward to a relaxing day alone with his wife. "Relaxing" was not in Bella's plan, however. Taking advantage of an empty house, they had sex on just about every practical surface in almost every room…the couch, the kitchen counter, the dining room table, his piano, on the floor, in the shower. They finally ended up in their bed, Edward practically too exhausted to continue. Just as Bella was in the throes of her climax, he felt her shield slip and he got a brief look into her mind. _"Oh Harold!!" _her mind was screaming internally.

_HAROLD!? _Edward stopped moving, confused at Bella's thoughts. Bella, sensing his non-movement but not knowing why, arched into him, pulling him into her deeper and squeezing tightly with her release. Edward's body took over and he let out a roar as he exploded into her, pushing all rational thoughts of anything else to the side.

A couple days later after another very active night, Edward headed downstairs gingerly, so sore that he was walking slightly bowlegged. Emmett and Jasper were huddled together speaking so low even Edward could barely hear them. When they saw Edward they rushed to his side, looking seriously concerned.

"Edward, man, are you okay? You and Bella were having quite the marathon last night. Jasper and I were getting worried about how you and…" Emmett gestured at Edward's junk. "…little Eddie were lasting. It didn't fall off did it?"

Edward shot Emmett a venomous look. "NO, it didn't fall off, it's…just a little sore."

"What has gotten in to Bella?" Jasper questioned. "You two were never…quite so _amorous_ before…"

"Yeah Bella always sounded kind of bored," Emmett interjected. Jasper slapped him on the back of the head.

"OW! Hey!" He looked at Jasper and Edward cluelessly. "Well… she did! Her rendition of that Meg Ryan chick was getting really old!"

Edward's eyes blazed and he went after Emmett swinging, but didn't get very far before doubling over in pain. Instead he slumped dejectedly to the floor.

"Has Bella been doing anything unusual lately?" Jasper asked.

"No…well…ever since she got that laptop, she spends all of her free time on it. It was after she got the computer that she became so…_amorous_ as you put it."

Emmett and Jasper looked at each other knowingly then back at Edward.

"Porn," they both exclaimed in unison.

Edward's eyes grew wide. "WHAT? What do you mean?"

"It adds up perfectly Eddie. She's constantly on the computer and when she's not, she's all sexed up and attacking you. She's probably watching porn on the computer and getting all hot and bothered by it. _Man_…" Emmett paused and looked upon Edward with awe and a touch of jealousy. "…you are one _lucky_ guy!!"

"NO Emmett, that's preposterous, Bella would never do such depraved things!" _Would she? _Edward secretly asked himself. _Not his pure innocent Bella…?_

The next day Bella went shopping with Alice. Edward tried to keep himself occupied but he kept walking past and stopping to stare at Bella's laptop. Emmett and Jasper's words kept playing over and over in his head. She wouldn't be back for hours…she'd never know if he turned her laptop on and did a little snooping. He immediately felt ashamed at the thought of invading her privacy. She was his wife, the one person he trusted more than anyone in the world.

But finally the curiosity was just too much. He sat down and powered her laptop up and waited while everything loaded. Of course, she had a password he had to get by first. He tried all the combinations he could think of–his name, her name, her birthday, his birthday, Reneesme's birthday, their wedding anniversary…he was almost ready to give up when one more idea hit him. He typed in "HAROLD" and the computer chimed and her desktop opened up on the screen. Edward rolled his eyes at her password choice as everything finished loading. Her desktop was very clean, only a few program icons on the left side. He smiled and let out a breath. Nothing unusual so far. He was about to click the "Shut down" button when he heard Jasper's and Emmett's words in his head again _"Porn."_ He sighed and decided to click on the icon for her internet browser. He felt so awful that he was even doing this. Her browser opened directly to her Google e-mail account. He refused to look at her mail and instead clicked the toolbar above to check out her favorites and bookmarked sites. He didn't need to invade her personal and private correspondences; he just needed to confirm that she wasn't watching porn sites so he could prove Emmett and Jasper wrong. Wow, she had a long list of favorites…they all seemed to have "moon" in their titles, which caused Edward to smile smugly. _Yay! No porn! _She must be doing some kind of space-related project on the moon for one of her classes. And she was apparently being very thorough from the long list of sites she'd researched. He clicked on the first site link and he groaned in frustration at the image that flooded the screen–it was that damned apple cover of the Hortense and Harold book! He scrolled down to see that it was some blog fan site with all kinds of postings and discussions of the books and photo stills… _Oh Good Lord!_ He thought, _They're making a MOVIE of this crap??_

He hurriedly started clicking on all of the links she had bookmarked. These weren't space research at all, they were all related to those damn books. Site after site gushing over the books and the movie actors…many especially dedicated to some guy name Rob, who apparently was playing Harold in the movie, and were plastered with pictures of the guy. Apparently they all thought he was "super hot." And that was just in the PG-13 comments! Some of the things these women wanted to do to the poor guy were appalling!

Edward kept clicking. He came across more sites that were apparently dedicated to something called "FF." He finally discovered "FF" was short for something called "Fan Fiction," where people make up their own stories about Hotense and Harold and post them on internet sites for other fans to read.

_So THAT'S what she does all those hours she's just staring at the screen…she's reading MORE friggin' stories about Hortense and Harold! _Edward growled in frustration.

Some of the bookmarks were links to these stories and he stopped to skim one. He snorted. _This author was certainly no Shakespeare…although it wasn't the worst thing he'd ever read…WHOA!! What the… _Edward's mouth dropped open. The things Hortense and Harold were doing…and so graphically detailed…_Good Lord! _Edward felt himself getting aroused and he snapped the window shut immediately, feeling dirty for getting so turned on. _Is THAT why Bella has been so 'amorous' lately?_

Edward wanted to shut the computer down but he'd already gone this far, he might as well finish. He clicked a few more links…mostly more stories, more blogs dedicated to the books…_HOLY MOTHER OF…_his eyes got huge. He was staring at a photo of a completely naked man with a HUGE…umm…_member. _He checked the site name again. Yep it was another Harold-Hortense-fic-related site…except this one interspersed fic discussion with photos…graphic photos…naked men…naked men and women _together_ …pleasuring each other…women in kinky lingerie…naked men _kissing and touching each other!_

That was it–Edward closed the window as fast as he could. He sat there in shock. His beautiful Bella…his sweet, loving wife…_WAS_ viewing porn. His mind tried to rationalize everything he had just seen–she obviously liked reading these fan fiction stories…maybe it was like reading Playboy for the articles. She wasn't going to those sites for the pictures, she just wanted the story links. Yes, that had to be it. Except that the stories she read…hell they were just as much porn as those photos were!

All bets were now off as far as him respecting her privacy…he went back to her e-mail window and scrolled down. There were a lot of e-mails from various screen names Edward couldn't decipher, except for the occasional that was pretty obvious. He didn't open any of the messages but the subject lines were pretty clear – _"Re: XYZ Update!"_ and _OMG!!! READ THIS!!! _Again apparently all related to this fan fiction stuff.

He minimized the e-mail window and double-clicked to open her hard drive window. There were only a few folders on there…One labeled ROBPORN he was scared to open but it turned out to be just photo after photo of that Rob guy the movie actor, none of them naked, thank God. He didn't see what these women were all ga-ga over, he thought the guy was kind of a dork. Especially the movie pics of him in green make-up as Harold–he looked repulsive. Poor guy must have been really desperate for a job to accept such a cheesy movie role.

Edward closed that folder and clicked on another one labeled FICS. It was filled with Word docs. He opened one and started reading…it was a Hortense and Harold story. Was Bella writing? He beamed as he read…granted it was about those infernal alien lovers but it was good! He was proud of his wife… until…_OH MY GOD! _The characters were… were…Edward had to shut his eyes. If he'd been human his face would have been beet red. The things she had her characters doing was more graphic than that one story he read online. He couldn't believe she was writing such things! Little Eddie certainly liked it and he had to take a few breaths to calm himself down again.

He heard a _ding_ from the computer speakers so he opened his eyes. A chat window had popped up on the screen.

_**HH4evr: haroldluvr you're online! I have a question for you…**_

_haroldluvr? Unbelievable, _he thought…_Was that really Bella's screen name? And she's chatting online with these people?_

The computer chimed again.

_**HH4evr: Bella? R u there?**_

_And this person even knows her real name…oh crap! He was going to get caught! _Edward closed the window faster than if it were on fire. He'd have to just hope this _HH4evr_ person didn't talk to Bella later and mention seeing her online at this time of the day.

Edward shut everything down, being careful to cover his tracks and not leave any windows open. He'd seen more than enough anyway. He sat there dazed, his blazing fast vampire brain even having trouble trying to process everything–what he had seen, what his thoughts and feelings were about Bella and all this online "stuff" that she was involved in…

He got up and paced and then bounded down the stairs. He needed to get out of here for a while.

Downstairs Emmett was playing a video game but Jasper was doubled-over on the couch holding his head. Hearing Edward's footsteps he looked up at him with anguish.

"Edward, what the hell is up with you man? You've got so many different emotions rolling off of you it's suffocating me!"

Edward stopped and flopped down onto the couch just staring forward. "I'm sorry Jasper, I…I just…I'm feeling so much…and so confused…I don't know what I think right now.

I logged onto Bella's laptop and searched through her files."

Emmett flung aside his game controller and he and Jasper both moved closer to where Edward was sitting. Emmett crouched on the coffee table, hands on his knees, right in front of Edward. He looked at Edward a little too eagerly, waggling his eyebrows.

"So…Porn?"

Edward covered his face with his hands. Emmett let out a whoop and bounced on the table nearly breaking it.

"I KNEW IT!! Our little Bella…who would've guessed that girl had such a naughty streak in her!"

Jasper was sputtering next to Edward, trying to hold his laughter in. Edward just peeked at Emmett between his fingers.

"It's _sort-of_ porn."

"What do you mean it's 'sort-of' porn, Eddie? Do you not know what porn looks like? I'd be happy to view some of it to clarify for you if you'd like." Emmett was practically salivating as if Edward had just brought him a live bear.

Edward groaned and shot Emmett a look. He told his brothers everything he had found–the sites, the stories, the photos.

"And now what do I do?" he finished. "How do I let her know that I discovered all of that and how do I make her stop?"

Emmett and Jasper nearly bust a gut laughing.

"I don't see what's so funny!" Edward fumed at them taking this so lightly.

Jasper finally calmed himself down enough to speak. "Edward, your wife is a vampire…you can't _MAKE_ her do anything!"

"Yeah, she'll just beat the crap out of you." Emmett nodded toward Jasper. "You didn't really think he got _all_ those scars from the vampire wars did you?"

"Hey, _dude," _Jasper shot back. "You've got a few yourself, Rose just punishes you where no one can see."

Emmett looked a little uncomfortable and clammed up after that.

Jasper drew the conversation back to serious advice for their brother. "Look Edward why do you want to make her stop anyway? This is just an interest Bella has, a hobby. So what if it's centered around a book? So what if you don't understand it or are uncomfortable with it? It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. It's healthy for mates to have different interests to focus on. Alice doesn't get my love for history and I sure as heck am not interested in fashion or shopping. But I would never make her stop shopping and she would never stop me from anything I wanted to do that was history-related, just because we don't approve of the other's passion. And whether or not I agree with what she's doing, I will always support her, and vice versa. That's marriage Edward."

"So…you're saying I should just let it go, let her continue to read this crap? Let her continue to faun over this Rob/Harold character?"

Jasper placed a hand on Edward's shoulder. "Trust us Edward, it's the best way. Besides this is probably just a phase for Bella, a passing interest that she'll eventually grow tired of."

Emmett broke in. "And in the meantime…" he paused to waggle his eyebrows for effect, "…you get to continue to enjoy the 'benefits' of Bella reading porn. Just, you know, try to get her to dispense a little more moderation before little Eddie falls off."

Edward banged his head against the back of the couch. "Will you _please_ STOP talking about my dick falling off!!" he roared. Emmett and Jasper fell over laughing.

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

Edward spent the rest of the afternoon brooding over everything. No matter how many ways he looked at it, he couldn't come up with any better solutions than what his brothers has suggested. So…he resigned himself to living with the status quo. He just had to figure out now how to get her to come clean to him (without letting on that he already knew) and how to practice looking supportive.

Much later, after Bella and Alice had returned and Bella had her laptop out, he made his move.

He sat down next to Bella on the bed and peered over her shoulder.

"What are you doing love?" he said has innocently as he could.

She glanced up at him warily. "Oh nothing much."

She sure wasn't going to make this easy.

"Are you reading something interesting?"

"Uhm hmm."

Edward sighed. "Bella, I'm not trying to pry, I'm really just interested in why you're on the computer all the time. I'm happy you wanted to buy one but ever since you got it that's all you do anymore. I'm just curious as to what has you so fascinated."

She was still suspicious. "You'll laugh at me."

"Darling, I would never laugh at something you were interested in, I swear."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

And that was all it took. She didn't tell him about everything he had found, but she did tell him she was reading Harold and Hortense stories and explained what Fan Fiction was, and that she had met a lot of other people online who also loved the books and the stories.

He kept his brothers' advice in mind and was positive and attentive and (seemingly) very accepting. When she was all done, he kissed her on the forehead and put his arm around her. "That's wonderful, dear, that you've found something you enjoy so much. Thank you for being honest and sharing it with me."

She leaned back and looked at him carefully. "So…you don't mind that I spend so much time doing this?"

"Bella, my love, we're vampires…we have nothing BUT time. Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy." He plastered a wide smile on his face. He hoped he wasn't laying it on too thick.

Apparently he did just fine because she cast the laptop aside and turned to wrap her arms around him. "Edward, thank you! Thank you for understanding! So many of the girls' husbands just don't get it. You are the best vampire husband a girl could ask for!"

She attacked his lips with a passionate kiss and for the rest of the night, Edward reaped the benefits Emmett had referred to earlier. And little Eddie did NOT fall off.

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

Now that Edward knew, Bella became a lot more open and Edward sucked it up and let her do what she wanted.

A couple weeks after their discussion the first package arrived.

It was a Harold doll–or, as the box said–an _action figure_. While she was gone one day, Emmett and Jasper caught sight of it. They kept looking at the doll and at him and then back again, trying to hold in their amusement.

"WHAT?" Edward finally barked.

"Dude…he kind of looks like you!"

"Emmett, for cripes sake he does NOT look like me! I am not _green_!"

"No you just sparkle. But take away the green, and squint a little…he could be a dead ringer!"

Edward threw a very heavy book at him.

Next to arrive was a DVD of the movie. Edward was a dutiful husband and actually sat and watched it with Bella. He made it about halfway through and after the fifth time he burst out laughing at the awful dialogue and special effects, she threw him out of the room.

A couple weeks later a small plain brown box arrived. Edward was downstairs when it arrived so he brought it upstairs to his wife. He didn't recognize the company name.

"Darling, you got a package."

"Yay!!" Bella actually clapped her hands and squealed. _Great,_ Edward thought, _must be another doll._

Bella turned away from him to open the box and he couldn't quite make out what was in her hands, but it looked like…no, it couldn't be…

"Bella what did you get sweetie?" He tried to keep his voice even.

She whirled around, grasping this huge green "thing" in her hand. "It's a green peen just like Harold's!!"

His eyes grew big and he had to clear his throat before speaking. _It really was what he thought it was. _"Umm…a peen?" He questioned.

"Oh…ah…it's just short for…penis. This is just like…um…a toy…" Bella realized Edward was probably feeling a little uncomfortable.

"You're not actually going to _use_ that are you?" He tried to keep his voice down but the supportive husband thing was starting to reach its limits. He knew what such "toys" were used for.

"Of course not, honey! The girls were talking about it online and I just got it as a joke, just to see what it…ah…was like." She came up behind Edward and snaked her hands around his waist and cupped him through his pants, as she murmured in his ear. "I certainly have no need for a toy when I have the real thing."

_Damn right and don't you forget it!_ Edward thought. He turned around to her, determined to show her why she didn't need such toys, when she stopped him.

"Darling, weren't you heading out to hunt with Jasper? He'll be waiting for you…"

Edward sighed. "Yes, I guess…I did promise him. Would you like to come along?"

"No, I think I'm going to stay here and maybe have a relaxing bath."

He kissed her and untangled her arms from his waist, Harold the green peen all but forgotten. "Alright, my love, have a nice bath, I'll try not to be too long."

He and Jasper were running back toward the house after a highly successful hunt, when Edward heard loud, animal-like growls and screams piercing the air. His first thought was Bella, alone at the house…oh God he hoped she was okay, and something wasn't attacking her! Maybe the Volturi were here making another surprise visit! He picked up even more speed and was back in the house and up the stairs in minutes. He burst into their bedroom just in time to see her coming out of the bathroom. Her hair was sticking out all over haphazardly and he she was breathing heavily. The minute she saw him, he noticed she pulled one hand behind her back and kept it there.

"Bella! Are you okay?" Edward rushed to her side.

"Of course, Edward…why would you even ask?"

"I heard some wild noises on our way back, I was afraid something or someone was hurting you."

"Really? I didn't hear anything…it's been perfectly peaceful and quiet here. Oh, umm…but we will need to do a little repair work in the bathroom."

He went into the bathroom–there was water on the floor and a chunk of porcelain from the side of the tub was ripped out. Likewise there were some tiles missing and a few chunks out of the wall as well.

Edward just gaped at the mess. "Bella for goodness sake, what happened in here?"

"Oh, um…you know…clumsy me…I tripped getting out of the tub."

Bella hadn't been clumsy since she became a vampire; in fact it was almost impossible for vampires to be clumsy. Edward was confounded as he just ran his fingers through his hair and stared at the room. While his back was turned Bella discreetly placed something in the drawer of her dresser.

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

A few more weeks passed. It was a Thursday night and Edward was planning a quiet evening in when Bella came out of their walk-in closet dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and pulling on her shoes.

"Bella are you going somewhere now? It's…" he looked at the clock. "Almost eleven-o'clock!"

When she turned toward him he could see she was wearing a shirt that said in big letters "TEAM HAROLD."

Her eyes were all alight as she rushed over to kiss him. "The new Harold and Hortense movie opens tonight at midnight! Madison is holding a spot in line for us, the other girls from school and I are meeting her there." In a flash she was out the door before he could even respond.

He frowned as his eye caught the Harold doll across the room. _You're like heroin to these women you stupid green alien…Oh great, now I'm talking to a doll!_

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**

A few months later he came home one day to find Bella packing some clothes into a suitcase.

"Bella! What are you doing! Are you going somewhere_?" Please don't say you're moving out, please don't say you're moving out_, he pleaded in his mind.

She turned to him, all smiling and happy, completely oblivious to the fearful tone in his voice. "I'm going to a big Hortense and Harold Saga fan convention in New York! I'll only be gone a few days."

Edward slumped down onto the bed. _Of course…it WOULD be something tied to those damn aliens. _"Bella, are you sure about this? You'll be in very close proximity with large groups of humans…"

"Oh Edward it will be fine, it won't be that different from going to high school every day."

"Well, would you at least like me to go with you? Just in case something happens…and you should hunt before you go…"

She zipped up her bag and leaned down to kiss him. "No Edward, really I'll be fine! And yes I hunted earlier. Good-bye darling, I'll see you in a few days."

And with a blur she was gone and Edward was left alone…again…a Hortense and Harold widower.

He called her repeatedly while she was gone, but kept getting her voicemail. She sent him a couple texts just to let him know she was okay, and "having a blast."

He was so happy when she finally returned home. He grabbed her and gave her a passion-filled kiss. He was ready to rip her clothes off, but she stopped him.

"Patience Edward! Let me unpack a few things first."

As she said that he noticed she had an extra piece of luggage she hadn't had when she left.

"Is that an extra bag, Bella?"

"Yes! The girls I met up with took me shopping!! I can't wait to show you what I got!"

Bella disappeared into the closet with her extra piece of luggage. Edward rolled his eyes. _Great, more dolls probably, or t-shirts or DVDs…just as long as she didn't bring any more plastic green penises back._

The closet door opened up again and Edward's mouth dropped open. Bella was wearing a tight black leather corset so tight that her breasts were spilling out of the top. She had on black lace panties, a garter belt and fishnet stockings peeking out above thigh-high patent leather boots. Her eyes were black and she had a wild, feral look on her face. And what was she holding in her hand…a riding crop? _Good lord, _he thought.

Bella snapped the tip of the riding crop on the floor next to a pillow she had apparently placed there while he was in his stupor.

"On your knees Edward," she growled.

Edward was frozen with fear and shock. Voices were running through his head…

"_your wife is a vampire…she'll beat the crap out of you…be supportive…enjoy the benefits…" _He swallowed hard, his mouth dry, no venom was even flowing.

"NOW!"

His whole body jumped at her dominating tone.

He sunk to the floor.

"Yes, dear."

_Damn alien…_

**~O~X~O~X~O~X~O~**


End file.
